I had food poisoning, guys. Usually it knocks people out completely, just days of various unidentifiable assortments of liquids simultaniously pouring out every exit of the body in macabre concert. My liver on the other hand just said "Leave it by the appendix. I'll handle it". Headache, soar muscles, mission accomplished. There has got to be something wrong with me.
My grandmother recently had asked if Harald was eating well in India. The answer is... Not really... Not at all actually. The "Master Cleanser" was developed by a man called Stanley Burroughs, and its quite the clever contraption, if the expression serves. The issue is detox. As a former hobby alchoholic (hello, Øystein), fast food eating, 20-a-day habiter (or is that hobbit?), and non-for-any-reason-physical-excersiser, I have done my part in exploring how not to treat a body designed around having a mineral rich, organic, varied diet, constantly using that very body in a pollution free enviroment. I set off on a 45 day experiment.
The contraption is this. If you can put the digestive system on hold, out of use, send it on vacation for a bit, salt water can be used during that period to clear out that digestive system and clear out any toxic, eh, shit, that's down there. The philosophy is that simple, "Detox Starts In The Intestine". So here's how it is in practice. You ingest only sugar cane juice, lemonade and cayenne pepper for a period of 10 or up to 40 days (Harald misread and did it for 45, but anyways...) The sugar, the minerals and the vitamins are taken up into the system straight away without proccessing, keeping you, well, alive, while the digestive system is out of use. Then! Yummy as it is, you drink every morning (and I needed practice to do it! Alot of it!) one litre of seline to flush your insides. Over the course of a some days it clears out everything in your intestine. And you'd be surprised to learn how much we're talking about. We really are full of shit, my friends. It took over a week to get it all out.
Then there's anti oxidants and various other agents working the body. You get vitamins and anti oxidants from the lemon juice. This is to help the body cleanse itself. The cayenne pepper also has anti-oxidants, but it is also a Flavon, which opens veins and pores. It makes you sweat a lot. It also acts as intestinal soap. The protein will not be taken up into the body due to the lack of bacteria and enzymes and instead works its mexican beauty on the, eh, shit, that sticks around like paint down below.
This soap works its magic throughout the day, and every morning you flush it out. The seline has the same mass index as blood, and as a result the kidneys won't touch it. It gets green light from glass to toilet, and takes with it everything in its path. I used a mineral rich form of halite (rock salt) called Kala Namak (literally black salt), which allthough replenishing minerals, tasted like egg. Like old eggs. Yuck! If anybody decides to do it sometime, use seasalt for heaven's sake. The stuff is good for you tho. It contains every mineral you need. In fact I had to filter most of it out there was so much, so I didn't damage my kidneys!
Two words on sugar cane juice. This stuff is delicious!!! Its freshly sqeesed at the stands you'll find on sidewalks throughout the subcontinent. Right at once when it comes out, its fizzling with nitrogen freeing itself from the liquid, bubbling up the surface. There are certain people who pride themselves with being able of telling the difference between Coka Cola and Pepsi with a blind fold. Waste of time. Coka Cola or Pepsi, shrinks like David Hasselhoff's stomach at the word "Action!", next to the real thing, the fresh sugar cane juice. It is super coke!! Its not just sugar, that's boring. Its full of minerals and vitamins, and you taste it. Sugar cane juice tastes like a circus of wonders even when the nitrogen is out, or when it comes to room temperature. Coke and Pepsi become radio active under the same conditions. People, you have to try sugar cane juice.
The 45 days are now over. One of the hardest things I have done ever. I found a terriffic way to celebrate the ending. I went to a Tibetan refugee camp! Where things were busy busy busy busy, the whole place coming alive as a matter of fact. Tibetan new years and festival. The year guys is now 2135, nevermind what others may tell you, yes. Year of the Earth Mouse, making a gigantic leap into the year of the Iron Bull. We will probably feel the earth tremble with such a shift. I tried asking some of the Lamas what year zero signifies. They had no reply.
Oh yes, Lamas and tibetans of all kinds getting busy for the celebrations. Large and small monks running back and forth, washing, cleaning preparing for the big event. Preparing the golden temple for the big puja. And someone is expected. Everyone is excited about it. Waiting, smiling! We line up along the road, Lamas, tourists, thousands of us lined up and down the roadside. A man sells popcorn! A helicopter arrives in the distance! This is fun indeed! But who are we waiting for?? Guess who's coming! Is it a King? Is it a Queen?
And now we cut to a message from my sponsors. And since I do not advertise here, we instead cut to these puns about puns: (enjoy)
- "There is nothing punny about bad puns."
- "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
- "A pun is the lowest form of humor, but poetry is much verse."
- "A pun is its own reword."
- "Immanuel doesn't pun; he Kant."
- "If puns are the lowest form of wit, are buns the lowest form of wheat?"
- "95% of the words in the English language can be incorporated into word-play (while the other 5% can be ex-pun-ged as im-pun-etrable)"
- "I submitted ten puns to the 'Best Pun' contest, hoping that one would win. But no pun in ten did."
